Ramblings
by AnonymousNerd
Summary: A Volturi guard member struggles with his position, his lot in "life," and finding a purpose. He is rambling through existence, constantly battling with himself. This is a very angsty, internal story, begins in New Moon. Main character to be revealed.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: These characters, etc. are not mine. I only created this individual plot. I am not making any kind of profit from this.

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Chapter 1: Nightly Strolls

The streets of Volterra were silent. The humans were at least smart enough to stay indoors, away from any potential threat. Yes, they had a small sense of security during the day, but they never seemed to be completely comfortable, and the hours of darkness only amplified their unease. At night, there was the added element of the guard members patrolling at intervals, the eerie shadows cast by the streetlamps and the distinct feeling of the obscenely high walls of the buildings in our city closing in on you like a tomb. Even the silence of the city was unsettling, the smallest sounds echoing with the hollowness of the grave.

I was roaming through the empty streets again as per my nightly habit of the last few months. The solitude offered by the excursions was a blessed release, an escape unavailable during the day. It was a gift to have my thoughts to myself, my own agenda to pursue. I was suddenly acutely aware of how bitter my thoughts and outlook on my existence had become lately. Centuries of control, lack of privacy and being surrounded by death will do that to you. I kicked at a loose piece of cobblestone that had broken away from the street surface. It connected with my leather shoe, the force of my kick propelling it forward with an unnatural velocity. Where it crashed into a stone building on the street corner, a sizable depression was left in the building's façade. Destruction follows me.

Hunching my shoulders as if to curl in on myself, I walked on, my black as night cape swishing around me. With the collar and hood of the cape both pulled up, revealing only the slightest bit of my chalky complexion, I could only imagine the impression I would give to anyone who happened upon me. The dark mood I was in wouldn't help matters. I walked on, trudging through the lifeless streets of the square, past the silent fountain in the city center, the water turned off for the night. I headed, unconsciously, for the residential area. Big mistake.

Their scents hit me with the force of a brick wall. Humans. It never ceased to amaze me how they could all be so alike yet smell so different from one another. The smell was intoxicating, overwhelming, all-consuming. I hadn't fed in days, making this a monumentally irresponsible move. I moved further into the village, toward what would surely be a feast. My upper lip curled back from my venom-coated teeth as an involuntary growl escaped my throat. I stalked forward, toward the house directly in front of me. The need was so great I was almost beyond reason.

It was then that I heard it. Great peals of laughter rang inside the house in a high, clear soprano. The voice was small and pure and stopped me in my tracks. I ghosted forward to look into the window that was illuminated at the side of the house. New voices now joined the first, using a high-pitched, lilting cadence. My coal black eyes took in the picture before me. A man and woman stood over a crib in the room, covering their eyes with their hands only to uncover them seconds later. Laughter again. The child in the crib grasped the rail with her chubby hands and stood up as she laughed. Wisps of light brown hair curled around her innocent face. She turned her head the slightest bit toward the window and looked me directly in the eye. She smiled.

I took several steps backward, trying to get away as fast as possible. I couldn't let them see me. It was unnerving and beyond my control—two feelings I can't tolerate. She and her parents didn't know it, or even suspect it, but that baby's smile had just saved all their lives.

*****

The next night, I was back again, earlier this time, listening to the sounds of the happy family. Something about them drew me in, caught me up in their little world. The couple seemed to never call each other by name, instead using terms of endearment like "Honey" or "Dear." The baby was "sweetheart," "amore," "baby dear," "lovey," and "Maria." Her giggles never ceased to shock me, even though she laughed often. She was as yet untouched by the fear of what protected her city. It was the laugh of innocence.

I tore myself away a few hours after the family fell asleep, after listening to the subtle sounds of their sleeping. The walk back through the village was slow and uneventful, marred only by my own mood. Truthfully, I was annoying myself.

On the way back into the castle, I tried winking at Gianna. She blushed and returned the wink, adding a little wave. The distraction didn't work. Not one for faking anything or words in general, I walked right past her and into the castle. I heard her sigh with disappointed resignation.

I made my way past the chamber where Marcus, Caius and Aro spent their eternal day. The conversation from inside carried to me in the hallway. Heidi would be returning from a fishing trip tomorrow afternoon. As if I needed any reminders of the scorching burn in my throat. Venom pooled in my mouth at the thought of eating tomorrow. I swallowed it quickly, leaving only a bitter aftertaste behind. Inside the room, Jane asked for permission to play with her food tomorrow. She clapped as her wish was granted. It wasn't hard to imagine the sadistic grin on her angelic face. The bitter aftertaste turned sour.

*****

Dinner held no pleasure for me.

*****

Though my eyes were not bright and vividly red again, I felt no more alive than I did two days ago. I only existed. My nightly strolls resumed and I settled into a comfortable routine. Two, three, then four weeks went by monotonously.

The family continued their routine as well. They had dinner, bathed the baby, played peek-a-boo, read stories to her, sang a lullaby and rocked Maria to sleep. I observed or listened as much as possible, often arriving at the beginning of peek-a-boo as I had the first night. Even I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't stop. I hand no explanation, no reasons, no excuses. All I knew was that I would be back every night, as long as it was possible. I no longer watched them through the glass, instead settling for crouching in the shrubbery below the window. An hour or so every night, there in the shrubbery, I forgot who I was. I forgot _what_ I was.

*****

It was March before my routine was threatened. There was talk of an uprising somewhere—I didn't really care where—and I would be forced to go. That's me, I thought, a mindless drone, good for fighting and stalking. The rebellion would be stopped Aro would gain some new guard members and I'd be left alone again until the next crisis.

I didn't even listen when they told me where I was going, I just nodded and followed the others in the guard out of the building. We caught an evening flight out of Rome, arrived at our destination the next night and I set to work finding our targets. It wasn't difficult—newborns and rebels are dependably sloppy and disorganized. They were found and eliminated in less than 18 hours, hardly even a distraction. Two promising rebels returned with us, the real purpose of our excursion. I neither knew nor cared why Aro wanted them.

Once back in Volterra, things returned to normal almost immediately. A brief reward of "dessert" was given to me and the returning guard. Reward, right. They may as well give us dog collars, rawhide bones and a scratch behind the ears.

I returned to the family. Maria had changed—in two days she had changed. She spent the hour of my visit screaming horribly. It sounded as if she was in pain—a sound I was all too familiar with. On and on she screamed. If I didn't know better, I would have thought she was being torn apart. Again, I was unnerved by the child. I stood up to sneak a glance into the room. The mother, with her back to the window, had picked Maria up, rocking her gently as the familiar lullaby was sung. Maria looked over her mother's shoulder and through her screams and tears, she stared right at me. I heard the mother mention teething. Still shaking with her sobs, Maria raised one of those chubby hands and waved at me.

Of its own accord, my own hand raised and waved back.

I walked back to the castle, a shadow of a smile on my face.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: These characters, etc. are not mine. I only created this individual plot. I am not making any kind of profit from this.

A/N: I know it's been a long time since I've updated. Graduate school was a nightmare this semester. It's over now though, so I should be updating more frequently. We're getting closer to finding out who our narrator is. Thank you to persephonesfolly for the wonderfully kind review, and to everyone who has read the story so far.

Chapter 2: Alone

Chelsea was manipulating me, and I knew it. It was her job, after all, to influence the bonds between people according to what would give us the most advantage. She could sense my growing independence and my lack of satisfaction. It wasn't that my loyalty was wavering, it was just that I happen to be a wild card, a loose cannon of sorts, as Aro so aptly puts it. I am alone. I have no special ties to anyone in the Volturi guard or the masters; I simply exist. My loyalty was still to my job, to upholding our secret at all costs, to the triumvirate of Aro, Marcus and Caius. Even so, I smelled a pronounced sweetness in the air and felt a surge of pride, loyalty and worst of all, obedience. I felt the honor of my position, deference for the leaders and camaraderie with the others with whom I stood. I felt Chelsea at work.

It was no use fighting her, so I just stood there in the room of the three and took it. This would make it easier for me to veil my thoughts from Aro as much as possible when he called for me to give him my thoughts as I knew he would and I knew I must. I pushed down my own feelings and let Chelsea's influence have predominance. The new bonds that were formed between me and the others and the bonds that were strengthened felt slick and blind, like an undeserved trust or a too-quick friendship. I quickly squelched those feelings and drudged up thoughts that would be inconsequential if they were taken. Aro called my name.

With his hand held out to me, he said silkily, "Come now, share with me."

I strode forward as if I owned the place, my confidence boosted by my "trust" in the people around me. When I reached him, I met his stare evenly, giving no sign of reluctance as I placed my palm on his. Not a word was spoken between us as I felt the thoughts—my thoughts and memories—being ripped from my mind. He forcibly took anything he wanted from my head—errant desires, brief impressions, private conversations. I could practically feel him picking through what was in my mind as what used to be exclusively my own became his.

When he finally broke the contact between our hands, my head felt like it was on fire, like I should be on the floor, howling and writhing in agony. It felt as if Jane had had a field day with my mind for days. There was some minor relief in that I'd managed to hide from Aro the hours I spent each night watching the family in the village. By concentrating on things I knew he'd want and expect, I shielded what was important to keep private. Note to self, I thought.

"The rebels were no trouble, then?" Aro asked, even though he knew the answer, having just taken it from me.

"None at all." My reply was devoid of emotion, completely monotone.

"Splendid! We have no further need of you tonight. You are dismissed." With that, he swirled his cape around him as he turned back to his brothers.

I turned on my heel and left without a backward glance.

Several floors below me, I could hear the activities of everyone else in the castle as clearly as if they were right next to me. Judging by the sounds coming from some of them, Heidi in particular, I was lucky they weren't next to me. Some things are better off staying private. As I tried not to listen, I was struck by the fact that I was utterly alone, even now. Everyone else was either with their significant other or someone with whom they shared a particular bond. Even Marcus, whom I felt was a sort of kindred spirit, as neither of us voluntarily seek others' company in the castle, was not alone on most occasions.

I turned my attention to the world outside my window. A brutal storm was raging outside, making the night sky indescribably ominous. Rain lashed at my window like a whip, leaving angry trails down the glass as the individual drops slid down each pane. The trees in the courtyard below bent toward the ground, bowing to the power of the wind and throwing torrents of rain off their leaves as the branches swayed. A flash of lightning illuminated the city for a few brief seconds as if a spotlight had been trained on Volterra. The corresponding crack of thunder split through the air, rumbling for 15 long seconds after the initial sound. The sensory stimulation of the storm was almost enough to divert my attention from the goings on in the castle and was close to drowning out the unwelcome noise of the others.

Another crash of thunder sounded and the rain picked up even more. It was going to be a long night. I couldn't risk going out into the village tonight. Rain and the changes it wrought in the atmosphere intensified smells exponentially. There would be no way I could fight off the thirst tonight. It had been weeks since I'd fed so I would likely gorge myself at the first opportunity. The thoughts of my responsibilities, the necessity of keeping the secret and restraint made me feel tame and unthreatening. I scoffed and an involuntary growl escaped my throat.

"All you're doing is denying your true nature, you fool," I spoke aloud, a soliloquy of disgust. "There's no reason why you should be denied everything. If you want to eat, eat. It would be nothing to run beyond the boundaries of Volterra, to hunt on your own. Fast food. Screw the rules. There's no such thing as a tame vampire—no one can play by the rules all the time. Is there not nobility in self-sufficiency and self-assertion?"

I caught another whiff of an extremely sweet smell and felt an overpowering need to stick with the rules of the Volturi, to play it safe. I guess it wouldn't be too much to wait for the next fishing haul, I thought. I settled into a chair in the corner of my room, picking up a book from a nearby table. The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I hated Chelsea.

Chelsea began making a habit of following me like a shadow. I think she tried not to be obnoxious about it, but it was unbearably invasive all the same. For three days straight, she "happened" to be wherever I was, or joined me to "keep me company." My nightly strolls were out of the question, as was allowing myself to actually think, because I would only become more bitter. The sense of being tethered and watched made me appreciate my solitude, the freedom of being alone.

It was mid-evening on the fourth day that I snapped. "I swear Chelsea, if you don't stop following me and leave me alone, I'll tear you apart myself, limb from limb, and burn you one piece at a time. I won't have this anymore." The words were harsh and my normally velvety voice became guttural as I nearly spat the words through clenched teeth.

She didn't try to deny what she'd been doing, nor did she try to reinforce our bond as guard members. Wise move on her part. Everyone knows better than to push me when I've reached my limit. If she had tried, she wouldn't have lasted a minute. She raised her hands in defeat then turned quickly, stalking away, probably to report my hostility.

I took advantage of Chelsea's retreat to return to my solitude in my own quarters. Back in my room, I sat before the empty stone fireplace, staring into its depths. The fireplace itself was shaped into an arch, its concave recess extending at least four feet into the wall. It had been ages since I'd had a fire; the fireplace remained as cold, dark and abysmally empty as me. I sat. I stared. I brooded.

Moonlight spilled through the window, creating harlequin shaped reflections on the floor where it shone through the leaded glass window on the far wall. My entire room, save the corner where I sat was illuminated with a soft, pleasing light. Everything it touched absorbed its purity, standing in contrast to the darkness of the shadows. The light did not extend to me, but instead remained just out of reach.

It was then that I knew. I would never be part of the light. I could not know what it was like to have what our kind called a mate. I could not know the closeness of true camaraderie. I could never have what existed in the village, inside that little house that I sat outside every night. I was a creature of the darkness, an abomination. I was and must always be alone.


End file.
